I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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