just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
