This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
