I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
