ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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