He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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