At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
