How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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