T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
