he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
