I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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