Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
