I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
