were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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