If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
