The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
