haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I stole a fireplace last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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