I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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