my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
