dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
