closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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