Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
