Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
