she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
