I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
