So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think my moral compass just broke
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