Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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