So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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