he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
