god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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