...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
