My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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