I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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