That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
