I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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