Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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