Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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