when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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