Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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