I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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