I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
