I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
