I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Randomize
