The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina