When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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