I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
