Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
