If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
