He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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