I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
