Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
