had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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