Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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