Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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