ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
