I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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