im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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